Caregivers sometimes feel that micromanaging loved ones during serious illness is the best way to get compliance. It’s hard to see a cancer patient angry or frustrated or scared, overwhelmed by the disease and its limitations. So caregivers take charge, issuing orders. “It’s time to take your medicine!”, or “You HAVE to eat!” Why is this not a good idea?
Whether you are dealing with adults, teens, or children, cancer patients are people who have had significant freedoms taken away from them. Cancer has exerted tremendous control over their lives and it’s stolen their choices of how life will go. You may be worried that your loved one isn’t doing everything he or she could to “get better”. Some patients go through periods of rebellion against their disease, and sometimes that rebellion extends to the people trying to help them manage their cancer.
Why does that matter? People without the opportunity to make choices will often vent their frustrations at the most available targets. It’s about looking for a chance to control something, anything. Caregivers can come to represent an oppressive force in the lives of cancer patients, especially when they try to get the cancer patient to cooperate with care. Suddenly black is white and white is black. Emotions run high and things can get complicated when you lose sight of what the real problem is.
When you recognize the position your loved one is in, and you understand the human need to have choices — even small ones — you can begin to offer opportunities that allow your loved one to take some measure of control over what happens in his or her life.
Empower your loved one to make reasonable choices in everyday life. When you want to go out to eat, let your loved one make the decision about where to go. It may sound silly, but having the opportunity to choose can be very therapeutic. If you’re in charge of everything when your loved one is physically vulnerable, the relationship changes in a very negative way. You start to become the adult of the relationship and fear, partnering with frustration, can push your loved one into becoming the disobedient child.
Help balance out the imbalance of the relationship during cancer treatment by finding activities that your loved one still can enjoy and share them. It’s important to find ways to positively bond. You need to feel connected and invested in each other. If all of the focus is on the cancer, and not on the relationship itself, the cancer is in charge. When you put it aside and have fun together, you reestablish what matters to both of you. If your loved one doesn’t have the energy to do anything strenuous, don’t let that stop you. Get out and about — don’t stop living in the moment. Even if you just go out for ice cream cones, let it be pleasurable. Go see a comedy at the local theater or watch one at home together. Nuture the relationship in healthy ways. Make the time to share events, just like you make the time for medical appointments. Don’t let cancer be the only thing you two share. Whether you’re taking care of a parent, a spouse, or a child, feed the relationship and make it as important as caregiving is.
When it comes to non-compliance with medications and treatments, remember that sometimes it’s easier for cancer patients to feel that they can capitulate on medical issues if they feel that they are getting positive results in other areas of their lives. The more they have the opportunity to make decisions for themselves on everyday issues, the easier it is to agree to cooperate on cancer treatment.
Cancer is an enemy that struggles for power over your loved one. Patients fight the battle every day. The more you help your loved one remain capable of achieving, even through cancer treatment, the less you look like a prison warden, and more like a team player. Provide the caregiving your loved one needs, but also remember to step out of that role once in a while. Be a companion who values the company of someone who just happens to have cancer. Never forget the person behind the illness. A spoonful of sugar really can help the medicine go down.