cancer advice Archives - The Practical Caregiver Guides

If you’re a “House Hunters” fan from its early days, you probably remember Suzanne Whang, the host. Attractive, with a liquid silk voice, she was the friendly face of house tour voyeurs like me. Who doesn’t love to have a peek at how the other half lives? Who doesn’t want to guess which house will be “the one”? Part showcase for real estate, part study in human relations, I’ve enjoyed watching the folks who go shopping for property and I often wondered why Suzanne Whang stopped appearing.

It turns out Ms. Whang has been battling Stage 4 breast cancer. And I do mean battling. This lady has come out swinging and she’s not planning to hold back her thoughts or emotions any time soon.

You may also know Suzanne from her other gigs, as a comedian and actor. She’s done a lot of things over time. With a B.A. in psychology from Yale and a Masters in Cognitive Psychology from Brown, Ms. Whang brings a little something to the table that most cancer patients do not. So, what did all that knowledge about emotions do for her when she was diagnosed in 2006 with breast cancer? It gave her a chance to put a very human, sometimes touching, sometimes powerful, sometimes hilarious face to the disease.

I must admit that sometimes her blog is less than polite (www.suzannewhang.com) and she’s been know to use an expletive or ten, but one of the posts I read struck me hard. Her advice to those of us without cancer? Don’t give her advice about how to live with the disease. You know what? That’s great advice. If you’re a cancer caregiver, file that in your memory box. The next time your loved one snaps at you, ask yourself if you’ve strayed over that line. If you have, apologize. All the world’s best intentions are not enough to get you out of that hot water.

Which raises another important subject — are you claiming your loved one’s cancer as your own? It’s such a common mistake for cancer caregivers. It’s hard not to get caught up in the cancer frenzy when it happens to someone you love. Let’s face it. That cancer is going to change your life, too. It’s easy to think you have a vested interest in the outcome. But you always need to remember that the body with the cancer is not yours. Your job is to provide comfort and care. Your role is to support. Your purpose is to be the help mate for the person with the cancer, so that he or she can survive cancer treatment and the disease as best as possible.

People with cancer often go through enormous emotional struggles as they manage their disease. It’s not always a pretty experience, filled with pink ribbons and happy, smiling faces. Cancer is a teeth-grinding, fist-clenching experience. It’s rarely predictable in all its aspects, and that means things can turn from bad to worse or from bad to good with little notice. Uncertainty reigns in the world of cancer, and people do the best they can with what they’ve got. It’s very stressful.

Having a good cancer caregiver can help to relieve some of the stress of being a cancer survivor, but you will never be the savior of your loved one. You are on a journey together, facing a great unknown in a landscape full of darkness and light and everything in between. Err on the side of love. Be there, even when your own heart is breaking. Don’t stop living with a loved one who has cancer. Kick cancer to the curb every once in a while. Think about something else as you force yourself to walk on the sunny side of the street. Think about life, laughter, and love. Feed the heart and soul with real nourishment — starve the disease of the power to rule the roost.

For more help with your cancer caregiving, visit The Practical Caregiver Guides

In honor of National Family Caregiver Month, I’ve invited Kathy McGonigal, an oncology-certified nurse with almost 20 years of experience to answer some questions. My goal is to help cancer caregivers do a better job of helping their loved ones manage the disease as much as is possible.

Sara:
Hi, Kathy. I’m so glad you could join us. I really value your experience as an oncology nurse. Let me ask you this. If you could give one piece of advice to caregivers at the start of treatment for their loved ones, what would that be?

Kathy:
It’s hard to give just one but I would say take care of “you”. This is the most difficult for the caregiver to understand. They feel like they have to be everything to their loved one all the time. Let others help you. Admit when you are overwhelmed. Taking a break is important. Eat healthy and get a lot of rest.

Sara:
So, so true. It really is critical that we take care of ourselves, so we can be there for the people we love. What the most common mistake you’ve seen caregivers make in taking care of loved ones with cancer? Is there more than one way to overcome this?

Kathy:
When patients hear the word cancer, everything changes. Most patients want to talk about their fears. Listen. Really listen. Instead of the usual “Don’t talk like that” or “Everything will be fine”, it is important to acknowledge their fears. It is also okay for you to tell them you are afraid too. Once words are spoken out loud, some of the fear disappears.

Sara:
I think listening is probably the best tool a caregiver can have in the caregiver tool box. It helps you to recognize when there’s a serious problem and to get the right help from your cancer treatment team. And a caregiver who is a good listener makes a cancer patient feel much more connected. It’s scary enough to hear the word, “cancer”, so knowing you have good support can make it all a little less lonely. How important is it for cancer families to understand the type of cancer their loved ones have and to understand the treatment that’s being given? Does it make a difference?

Kathy:
Families who understand the disease their loved one is suffering from is very important. You will be getting a lot of advice from other cancer survivors and caregivers. Not all cancer is created equal. Knowing what you are dealing with allows you to help make educated decisions and make reachable goals. The more educated you are, the less afraid you are.

Sara:
I think that’s really true about getting advice from other cancer survivors and caregivers. I met some amazing people during my mom’s treatments, and having the chance to talk to them about their experiences really helped me to do a better job in caring for my mom. One issue that seems to come up a lot with cancer patients is eating. Nutrition is often an important element in helping cancer patients get through the rigors of treatment. Do you have a good tip for feeding a reluctant patient?

Kathy:
Eating is important but it can also be a source of frustration between caregivers and patients. Feeding an illness is something we have all learned from our mothers. The patient knows how important it is to eat but it is not always possible. Think about how you feel when you are ill before you try and “force” your loved one to eat. Let the patient go. Make sure there are a lot of simple nutrient rich foods on hand. Cook simple so the smells are not overwhelming. Don’t make the patient feel like you are monitoring everything they eat or not eat. It will cause too much anxiety. The patient will eat when they can. Leave it up to the doctors and nurses to address nutrition.

Sara:
Ah, what could be more annoying than the Food Police? How true. That’s a good point, too, about the cooking smells, especially if your loved one doesn’t already feel well. Reaching out to the medical team for help is good, solid advice, Kathy. As an experienced oncology nurse, you’re working on the front lines and I’m sure you’ve seen a lot over the years. Dealing with cancer can be stressful on a daily basis. A lot of cancer caregivers become overwhelmed. Do you have your own favorite ways of dealing with stress when you’ve had a tough week at work?

Kathy:
Wow, that’s a hard one and it is sometimes very difficult. I try to apply everything I learn from my patients into my personal life. I try to take nothing for granted. No matter how long you live, it is always not long enough. As stressful as my job can be, I have been privileged and honored to be invited into the lives of my patients at what might be the most vulnerable time of life. They have all enriched my life in ways most people do not get to experience. It is amazing to watch the human spirit take over. If you are a caregiver, you too will learn that while the patient says they couldn’t get through it without you, you will be the one who gets the biggest gift of all. You make it possible for your loved one to fight.

Sara:
What a great point to make to caregivers. I’ve seen that time and time again. Caregivers are the wind beneath a loved one’s wings and yet we’re the ones who benefit when we really make an effort to give the right kind of support for those we love. It changes lives, especially our own. Thank you so much, Kathy, for sharing your insight and wisdom. I know caregivers will be inspired by your words.

Contact:
Kathy McGonigal
kathymcgonigal@gmail.com