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| Grant Wood — “American Gothic” STOICISM IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY |
Is your loved one a concrete thinker or a romantic at heart? Is he or she competitive or cooperative? Type A or Type B? Meat and potatoes every night or a seeker of exotic foodie experiences?
You may not consciously think about your loved one’s personality when it comes to patient care, but maybe you should. When disease or illness takes center stage, your loved one’s coping skills will be affected by how he or she views the world and interacts with it.
I’ve known plenty of patients, especially those going through cancer treatments, who have specific emotional support needs.
For someone who is used to being proactive, a cancer diagnosis is often followed by a plan of attack. If Marissa is used to tackling tough situations with action, expect her to do the same when she is hit with a need for major surgery.
If Phillip is used to coming to grips with a problem by analyzing it from ten different directions before making up his mind, expect him to do the same when the oncologist sets his options in front of him. He is likely to weigh each option over and over again until he is certain he has chosen wisely.
If Robin finds herself at a crossroads in the cancer situation and she usually takes things to heart, expect that she will be caught up in the emotional quagmire and help her to do what she needs to do to get through this challenge. Her emotions are likely to prevent her from moving forward. No amount of nagging is likely to help. She needs to regain her belief that life can again be good before she can actively participate in recovering her health.
And if Tom’s usual reaction to bad news is to get on his high horse and wave his sword into the air as he rides off to slay the dragon and protect his castle, be prepared for that. There will be lots of noise as he psyches himself up to attack the beast that has invaded his body and disrupted the sanctity of his kingdom. If this is what Tom needs to find the courage to fight, that’s just his personality gearing up to succeed.
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| Mary Cassatt — “Young Mother Sewing” THE “DETERMINED TO STAY BUSY” STRATEGY |
We all have our personalities and our quirks, even when we are healthy. But when a loved one is ill, that’s often the time we see personality come to the forefront.
Sometimes romantics have a hard time dealing with all of the facts of disease and disease progression. They need to keep an emotional distance from reality in order to maintain as much hope as possible.
Those folks who are very grounded in reality actually tend to resent any effort to paint a rosy picture. They want the cold, hard facts, so they can beat back the threat.
Can you see now why it is so important to understand your loved one’s personality in order to provide the best kind of physical, mental, and emotional support?
For people who are used to driving directly from Point A to Point B, they will react to any obstacles in the road with their usual persistence. For people who like to wander on the road of life, they will mourn their inability to continue their adventures. How do you, as a caregiver, cope with that?
You may notice that your dad, the experienced businessman, insists on doing as much work as he can while he’s going through chemotherapy, even when the medication causes side effects. As a caregiver, it’s your job to help him through the process in a way that doesn’t raise his hackles. It’s important to help him maintain as much of his quality of life as is possible. So, while you may be tempted to call him a control freak, he is using his personality to cope with the fact that he’s been sidelined and he’s doing what he can to get back into the game.
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| Edvard Munch — “The Scream” THE EMOTIONAL MELT-DOWNERS |
Or you may notice that your dearest friend, Anna, is absolutely devastated by her breast cancer diagnosis and just wants to hide away at home. How can you, as her caregiver, help her to locate her “motivation button” when she’s blown away by the reality she now faces and is ready to surrender?
Motivation is an important component in fighting a serious illness. Patients who believe that the fight is worth the effort are far more likely to take their medications appropriately and consistently, but only as long as it seems to have a reward attached to it.
For people diagnosed with diseases like cancer, there are often times when it is nearly impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel. When a patient loses his or her appetite, the weight loss can pose a serious risk. And when a patient thinks there is no point in even trying to fight the disease, that’s likely to result in a poor outcome.
When patients are at their most vulnerable, how we interact with them can make all the difference. Do we want to trigger neurotic behavior by heightening fears and planting seeds of doubt? Do we want to protect our loved ones’ sense of mastery, of optimism, by recognizing that each patient has inner strengths to call upon in times of crisis? If you know your loved one has faced difficult times in the past and has survived them by determination and resolve, isn’t that something you want to bolster now? Remind him or her of previous challenges that seemed impossible, but were won.
Too often when a loved one is challenged by the stress and pressure of healing, or dealing with medications or physical issues (like brain tumors), the sense of loss of self is tremendously impacted by a lack of coherence about the illness. It’s difficult to cope with so much uncertainty. By keeping things on an even keel, family caregivers offer their loved ones a semblance of sanctuary. Who doesn’t want to feel that there is a “safe place” to go to escape the constant reminders of illness?
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| Leonardo Da Vinci — “Mona Lisa” THE “KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON” APPROACH |
That raises an important point for people who like to vent. Not everyone else does. If you feel like raging against the beast your loved one is facing, but your loved one just wants to put it aside and do something constructive, you may not be helping when you insist your loved one gets in touch with his or her emotions. Some people actually need to step away from their emotions in order to get through difficult challenges. By accomplishing tasks that have intrinsic meaning for them, they build self-confidence and self-esteem that help them get through the tough times.
On the other hand, if your loved one needs to vent, you can be helpful to him or her by engaging in conversations that respect and appreciate the insights offered. It can be cathartic to spill those scary emotions. It doesn’t always require that caregivers put Band-Aids on the emotional wounds. Sometimes when we become good listeners, we give our loved ones the opportunity to sort out their emotions and to make decisions about how they want to live their lives in the “new normal” world.
We caregivers are the wind beneath the wings of our loved ones. It’s not our job to tell the people who are going through such health challenges what they should or shouldn’t do. But we can help them by understanding how to engage their personal strengths through understanding what makes them tick. By recognizing how they see the challenges they face, we can often help to point them in a positive direction and give them the right kind of support, the kind of support that restores as much of their personal power as possible.
And at the same time, we should also consider our own personality types. If you’re a romantic and you’re overwhelmed by your husband’s Parkinson’s diagnosis, you’re going to have to find a way to come to terms with his situation in a way that makes good sense to you. You will have to understand that your love and your kindness will have the biggest impact when you take your cues from your husband. If he says he’s is coping, accept that answer and find out what he wants from you. If you feel emotionally overwhelmed, find a relative, friend, or wise counselor who is capable of acting as your sounding board, especially if your husband doesn’t have the strength to be your rock at the moment.
If you’re a busy bee, constantly fussing over your mother when she’s recovering from surgery, you’ll probably be on the receiving end of a lecture that makes you feel like you’re six years old once more. Once you understand that you’re driving her bananas with your constant activity, you’ll be able to step back a bit and stop stressing her out. Mothers can sometimes feel incredibly guilty when their children have to take care of them. When we make it seem like less of a chore and more of a pleasure for us, by sharing conversation, companionship, and comfort, we make everything more copacetic.
For more help with your caregiving, visit The Practical Caregiver Guides