Anyone who has ever had a stalker knows the sheer fear, that tension in the pit of your stomach that pulls your gut into one tight knot that never seems to let go. While you’re looking behind for that telltale shadow, you get broad-sided by that sudden furtive movement as your stalker suddenly appears right in your face.
If you’re a cancer survivor or a cancer caregiver, take a few pages from the “Life with a Stalker Handbook”. Understanding and utilizing the lessons learned in fighting a stalker long-term can help cancer survivors function more fully in their lives.
There are a lot of similarities between cancer and stalkers. Cancer, like a stalker, can deceive, can pretend to be cooperative, when in fact it is setting up shop in another organ, sometimes even hiding in plain sight and masquerading as a benign being. It can throw its hands up in the air and appear to be walking away, all while it plots to find another tiny opening in the victim’s life that can be exploited. There can be distractions, lulls, and even periods of inactivity, when you think it’s finally done. You tell yourself you can get back to your life, get settled into the normal rhythms and routines, only to find your life erupting into confidence-shattering chaos and confusion once again.
Stalkers are, like cancer, very dangerous because of their unpredictability, mindset, and potential volatility. In order to fight a stalker, you have to understand the menacing behavior of the individual stalker. You can’t assume that every stalker is using the same playbook. What drives this particular individual to do what he does? What does he hope to get out of it? Why is he attacking in this particular way? What does his victim have that he needs? Stalkers have certain patterns in common, but other activities and motivators are unique to the individuals.
The same is true of cancer. We treat it like it’s one disease, when in fact it’s hundreds of different diseases, with different triggers, behaviors, and malignancy rates. One size does not fit all.
If you’ve ever been the victim of a stalker, you know that panic. “What did I do to make this happen?” You review the scenes over and over again in your head, trying to figure out what it was you did to attract the attention of your stalker. Were you just too handy? Was it something you said or did, or even didn’t do? Why you? Why not your neighbor down the hall? Why not someone else?
Isolated incidents involving violence can be overcome with directed and mindful cognitive exercises. You can look at a single traumatic event and put a face to it, a meaning to it that will eventually allow you to come to terms with it and make peace, provided you have the right support and psychological tools.
But how do you fight a stalker over time? So often, the stalker lurks in the shadows, hiding behind bigger obstacles while he’s stalking, but the rest of the time, he usually blends into the crowd. A stalker doesn’t want to get caught, because if caught, he can be apprehended, contained, neutralized, even paralyzed in his tracks — so he feigns being something he’s not. The philanthropist loves everyone. The average Joe who’s minding his own business. The good guy who just happened to be passing by. The upstanding citizen who’s no threat to anyone. Cancer’s a lot like that. The symptoms can mimic other diseases, other issues, and that can be distracting. Doctors very often take the symptoms presented and assign them a diagnosis that has nothing to do with cancer. If they don’t suspect it’s cancer, they don’t test for cancer.
Some stalkers are better than others at getting away with their crimes. They learn to wear rubber-soled shoes as they creep about. They get to know their victims inside and out, always in search of vulnerabilities. Victims often flee to escape their tormentors, only to find themselves in greater danger. What’s a cancer survivor to do when the potential for “someday” looms on the horizon? Run away? Disappear? Bury one’s head in the sand and hope it won’t hurt too much when the rest of the body is left vulnerable to attack?
Stalking is, in reality, a mind game first and foremost. It’s psychological warfare at its best. It’s predator after prey. Sometimes victims can give their stalkers too much credit for intelligence. We imagine their power is greater than our ability to overcome, so we don’t look for reasoned ways to fight back. We don’t use our greatest tool, the human mind. We flee, and in doing so, miss so many opportunities to enjoy life by staying in the game. When cancer survivors wrap their heads around the notion that cancer is as much a mental battle as a physical one, they begin to understand their foe. In any battle, knowing your enemy is the most important means of directing his defeat.
Many victims of stalkers learn to live off the grid, to fly under the radar, in the hopes that they can evade their pursuers. Imagine spending all that time and energy trying to not do the things that will alert the stalker to your whereabouts or arouse his interest again. You might constantly ask yourself, “Is he going to find me again? Is he going to come after me once more?” The constant stress and distress of living with the potential threat cuts the joy out of life. You’re always teetering on the edge of despair. “I have now, but what comes next?” It’s the unknowing-ness of the future that hurts the most. It’s the mistrust of the half-consumed moment. Fear can paralyze us. “In the blink of an eye, life can change, and I don’t want it to get worse.”
But that’s not the only problem. Denial can often rear its ugly head in stalking situations. What happens when the stalker is in plain sight and everyone knows you’re his victim? What happens when everyone around you can see the stalker, but they don’t believe he poses a threat any more? People throw deterrents at stalkers all the time, in the hopes of dissuading them from acting out on their need to prey, as if that’s enough. That’s a lot like tossing cancer therapies at patients willy-nilly, in the hopes that something, anything, will work. Once treatment is completed, cancer survivors are just supposed to move on with their lives. They’re not supposed to wonder if the radiation will create new complications, or think about the potential for a different kind of cancer because the body was weakened by the first. “Don’t worry about it till it happens!” Is that really the best advice for someone who lives under the threat of another bout with cancer or complications? If I know I might have a problem at some point in the future, won’t I be better able to deal with it if I am armed with the knowledge that will empower me to do battle?
The truth is the more you know about the specific threat, the better, because that’s when you can develop a strategy. Even if you never have the chance to completely contain the stalker or his dangerous behavior, you can manage the danger he poses by being able to act in ways that make a difference. That’s how you rebuild a realistic trust in yourself, those who support you, and even in the potential for a good life. Fear that once prevented you from taking chances gives way to confidence borne of wisdom. “Yes, cancer may come back, but if it does, I’m ready for it. I’m prepared. I have my people and I’m going to give it everything I have.”
The most effective way to handle a stalker is to know him, inside and out. What makes him tick? Why is he doing this? Too generalized an understanding puts the victim at greater risk of not only triggering another incident, but also in becoming more vulnerable. There is a world of difference between a stalker who has a fantasy life and a stalker who has a secret life. Someone who is mentally unbalanced might spiral out of control without rhyme or reason. Someone who is trying to protect a skeleton in a closet will be very driven and determined in attacking his victim. His motivation for acting is self-preservation and he is willing to kill to make that happen. But stalkers are, by virtue of their covert lives, secretive. They depend on people not knowing what they are up to in order to hide.
Cancer treatments that focus on the specifics of an individual’s cells, genes, overall health, and any of the factors that affect that particular type of cancer are the best type of threat management for cancer survivors. Every day, new developments in fighting the disease show that certain types of cells work in certain, somewhat predictable ways. As doctors learn more, they also learn ways to cut the cancer off from what feeds it. Just as you want to move a stalker away from his victim, to neutralize his ability to cause harm, doctors take cancer treatments to new levels every day — by starving tumors here or by empowering the immune system there.
But where does that leave cancer patients? Still battered by the stalking, still fearful of the future?Victims of stalkers often have difficulty living normal lives because they spend so much time and energy trying to survive, just like cancer patients — it’s often a matter of knowing when you can safely poke your head out of your hidey-hole. But it’s more than that. Those who have, over time, had their lives disrupted again and again, had to pick up and move once more when their stalkers located them, never really fully trust in anyone or anything. You always hold back a little part of yourself because you expect that disappointment to arrive on your doorstep once again, almost always when you least expect it. Stalkers love to terrify their victims, so they look for the chance to pop up out of the blue. Living with that stress over decades is tough. You never ever completely let your guard down. You never ever really get used to believing that life can be good. “It was good once, and it’s okay now,” becomes the new normal.
But in accepting how things have changed, in taking it one step at a time, and most of all, in having the right kinds of resources to identify real-time threats, victims become empowered and stalkers will, over time, lose their power to terrify. Even when you know in the back of your mind that there could be another incident, another blow, you’re already thinking of what you can do to deal with it, to get past it. That’s the strategy that a lot of victims use once they really come to terms with their predators. “I refuse to give you power over my life, my emotions, my heart. I will not live in fear anymore. I am willing to do what it takes to keep myself safe.”
For cancer patients, the knowledge that cancer can, and might, recur is often overwhelming. It’s hard to live with the maybes, the uncertainty, the possibilities. How do you manage it? How do you plan for it? Should you even consider it?
Take a lesson from victims of stalkers. Don’t isolate yourself. Running away is a dangerous strategy, because your stalker will hunt you down. If you have fled, you have probably cut yourself off from your best support network, those people who will look after you and fight for you. The bigger your team, the better your chances of reducing your risk of injury or worse.
Instead, surround yourself with people who are knowledgeable about your situation. Don’t be afraid to immerse yourself in the learning. Talk to other cancer survivors and learn what they know about the disease. Think of it as a self-defense strategy. If you’re going to kick cancer’s ass, do it right. Don’t raise a little finger when your assailant comes at you with a big stick, grab a crow bar and cripple him. Let him see you are not intimidated or weak in his presence. Toss the creep to the curb.
So many times, victims of isolated incidents think it’s just a one-time thing, so they never bother to learn how to look out for themselves. Lightning doesn’t strike twice, right? But when you have a stalker, that’s an ongoing threat, one that isn’t going to stop until the stalker is permanently neutralized in his tracks. Being vigilant doesn’t mean you’re always terrified. The more you learn about cancer, especially your type of cancer, the more you can understand its weaknesses, its needs, and even its goals. Some kinds of tumors consume hormones to live and starving them of the hormones can prevent new occurrences. But there are side effects, aren’t there? The tumor needs that same estrogen that you need to function well, and in preventing the cancer from receiving it, you suffer, too. How do you balance that?
Every day, new ways to fight cancer, to hold it back, to knock it down, are becoming available. What we knew last year is less than we know now. What we know now is less than we will know next year. By keeping up with information that can make a difference, by learning to recognize new symptoms as they sneak in, cancer survivors have a better chance of managing their disease in meaningful ways.
Just as you need to be vigilant in recognizing new signs that your stalker has resumed his bad behavior, whether you notice new scratches on your door lock or you find things have been moved in your car, those are signs you don’t ignore if you’ve been a victim. Every long-time Stage 4 cancer patient I ever met had one thing in common. They all were proactive in dealing with new symptoms and they were willing to fight hard to survive. Those “I can do this” muscles were developed over the years of battling their unseen, seemingly unknowable foe. The harder they fought, the more they learned about cancer’s cunning, and once they learned, they got busy.
Many times, cancer survivors want to turn their backs on the disease once it’s under control. And so often, their families and friends want them to move on. That “let’s just forget about it and act like it never happened” mindset is what often puts cancer survivors at greater risk. Tackling the potential threat is as important as taking your chemo drugs, being zapped with radiation, or even going under the knife to cut the cancer out of you. It’s your new “survival mode”.
Long ago, when cancer happened and options were few, people didn’t have to live with cancer as a stalker. Death was often swift and cruel, and time fleeting. By the time a patient was diagnosed, there might only be weeks or months. But now? Now the possibilities for survival and cure are better than ever, and growing every day. That requires a new way of thinking about cancer management. It’s imperative that you recognize your stalker, assess the threat posed, and handle the aftermath of a cancer diagnosis effectively. You want to direct yourself to act, not to react, and you best do that by understanding what is out there.
Anyone who has ever dealt with a stalker over time has to come to a decision: “Do I live my life as normally as possible, take advantage of the opportunities, and stay out in the open, vulnerable to attack, or do I hide myself away, in the hope that I might survive a little longer? Do I survive or do I thrive? Do I embrace life or embrace fear?”
True inner strength comes from understanding fear and uncertainty and taking steps to manage its impact on our lives. It’s the choice to sit it out or dance. Music lovers know how hard it is to not feel the rhythm, to sit still when the tune beckons. What is life without song? As the Irving Berlin song said, there may be trouble ahead, and the fidlers may flee when the going gets tough, but while we have moonlight, music, love, and romance, we should embrace the opportunities to dance. Don’t ever let cancer take that away from you.