Cancer caregivers have a tough job, especially when things aren’t going well for a loved one. How do you make empty promises to someone who is clearly struggling to get through the pain and frustration of cancer care? The truth is you don’t.
One of the hardest lessons for any cancer caregiver to learn is that you don’t lie about life. For many cancer patients already frustrated and feeling betrayed by the disease, pretending that everything is hunky-dory is just the final straw on that camel’s back. It’s enough to send a cancer patient into the bluest of funks. So, what can you do?
Sometimes, when the elephant in the room is squeezing everyone against the wall, it’s best to change your focus. Instead of looking at what cancer is doing to your loved one, instead of feeling every ache and pain that cancer is causing — be it physical, mental, or emotional, it’s time to take a step back and look at something else. What is that something?
Your loved one still has dreams, wishes, and goals. He or she may have hit a temporary rough patch or is at a more critical stage in the disease, but don’t let the disease define your loved one.
Hope is more than just a wish that a loved one is cured. As humans, we don’t have that kind of power — it’s out of our hands. Hope is that little seed in each of us that love is greater than the sum of our parts. We need to constantly nurture hope in meaningful, realistic ways, not as some giant magical force that creates miracles, but as the human means to achieve little milestones that keep us going.
Focus on three things.
1. Comfort — not fake smiles and cheerful claims that everything is going to be okay. Get busy with palliative practices that improve how your loved one feels. If your loved one needs pain medication, oxygen, or better nutrition for the body, make that happen. When you do this, you send a very strong message that you are there for the long haul, and you are going to get busy doing what needs to be done. No empty promises from you — you’re on the job and you’re staying on top of things. For someone going through cancer, that can be so reassuring. The more comfortable your loved one is, physically, mentally, and emotionally, the better he or she will do, no matter what the circumstances. You may not be able to cure cancer or the side effects of cancer treatment, but you can and should provide comfort measures that make life better.
Build bridges between how the cancer affects your loved one now and what life was like before cancer. The better connected your loved one feels to his or her true self and the way things used to be, the less impact that cancer will have on quality of life. It’s a lot easier to remain hopeful when you find some successes that remind you of what life was like before cancer reared its ugly head.
Chemo brain a problem? Try chair-side notes, a message board, a calendar, and electronic reminders to help your loved one stay on task and avoid the embarrassment and frustration of forgetting. Make dictionaries available for crossword puzzle affectionadoes, suspend the rules and score keeping on games like Scrabble while you work together to find possible words, and provide tools such as calculators or financial software for checkbook balancing and money matters. Gently encourage memory to return while assisting with the (hopefully) temporary mental deficits, using tools and organization. Remember that the nervous system often gets battered during cancer treatment — never chide your loved one for forgetting something. Most of all, realize that many medication errors occur when a loved one is impaired by the effects of chemotherapy and stress. When you can negate as much of the difficulties of cancer with supportive measures, you are actually helping your loved one to remain hopeful that life is still worth living.
2. Caring — I’m not talking about your feelings, cancer caregiver. When your loved one is struggling, it’s not about you. Find out what hurts. Find out the options for fixing that. Sometimes the grief, the fears, and the uncertainty of cancer make our loved ones hurt more than the disease itself. Be sure to be a good listener for your loved one. Get to the heart of the problem, whether it’s pain, frustration, depression, or even concern for the future. When you listen to your loved one and hear what’s really troubling him or her, you’ll be able to show you care by taking steps to make positive changes. That’s empowering.
Sometimes the big problems can appear to be insurmountable, but if you tackle those little ones, it all becomes more manageable. Medications, side effects, new symptoms, and the great unknowns cause tremendous stress for cancer survivors, and that stress can actually bring life to a screeching halt. Break the problems down one at a time. Chip away at them. Consider there may be more than one option to address each one. When you lead your loved one to possible solutions and you show you are committed to meeting these challenges head on, you inspire hope in you and your loved one by demonstrating how much you care.
Whenever you’re overwhelmed with your own emotions, take it outside. Step away to do your crying. Do not share all that grief with your loved one. No cancer survivor needs the guilt or frustration of knowing that his or her disease is causing you misery. He or she is already over-challenged. Find caregiver buddies as your sounding board, in person, on the phone, or even via email and instant messages. Join a support group or reach out to other people who have been touched by cancer and ask for advice in coping. You probably already know people who have been cancer caregivers. Most of us understand the pain and we want to support you because we’ve experienced it first-hand. Ask us.
And if you find yourself sinking in quicksand, consider seeing a health psychologist, someone trained in helping families cope with serious medical issues. Some caregivers avoid talking to professionals, thinking they’ll be told to quit their caregiving because they’re so overwhelmed. A wise health psychologist can help you navigate through your need to provide care, the emotional entanglements that result from the difficulties you experience when having to provide it, and help you find ways to manage that care better.
3. Communicate — Understand and appreciate that you’re just one person. You should never be “It” for your loved one, especially if you’re physically, mentally, and emotionally up against the wall. Create a support team of people who can fill in the blanks, big and small. Don’t cut yourself off from the outside world. Give people the chance to do for you and don’t feel guilty that you need that help. Caring folks want to participate, to be there with you. You’ll have the opportunity down the road to give back.
Consider having a caregiver blog that allows you to share what’s going on with friends and family. here are just a few organizations that offer free websites and blogs to families during medical crises.
Having a private opportunity to inform people who care about what’s going on means that you and your loved one are not alone. You can receive messages, photos, and offers of support in ways that you can utilize, even when you feel stuck at home.
Best of all? When you keep family and friends involved in your loved one’s situation, they have the opportunity to share with you how much they really care. Even though you may find your fair weather friends all but evaporate during your loved one’s cancer treatment and management, you will find those gold and silver folks who offer encouragement, inspiration, and love to get you and your loved one through the dark days. Knowing that people are thinking of you as you struggle is important. It’s too easy to fall under the wheels of the cancer bus and feel like a victim when you’re cut off from the rest of the world. Even when things aren’t going well for your loved one, having people invested in both of you reminds you that love helps heal all wounds, because it encourages us to believe there can and will be brighter days ahead. That’s what hope does for cancer families.
For more help with cancer caregiving, visit The Practical Caregiver Guides