One of the toughest things for parents who have a family member in cancer treatment is to cope with the needs of the children in the family. It can be overwhelming when you have to constantly worry about a loved one who is very vulnerable. Healthy children tend to get shunted aside because their needs aren’t as great. That’s sometimes just the reality of cancer.
How can you help children to thrive while you have a family member in cancer treatment?
First, it’s important to identify the needs of the entire family. If you don’t stop and take a look at what is going on, you won’t be able to find solutions to the problems.
Second, accept the fact that cancer takes a toll on any family. Everyone needs support, resources, and problem-solving to meet the challenges. You should never feel like you’ve got to do it alone.
Third, remember that most cancer treatment centers and hospitals have wonderful programs to meet as many of your needs as they can. There is usually a cancer navigator on hand to steer you towards the programs that can help. Even if your loved one is not currently being treated, but is suffering from the side effects at home, the programs are available to the family. Take advantage of those that meet your needs.
Fourth, consider hooking your children up with individual mentors. If your attention is currently focused on your vulnerable family member, you don’t need to feel guilty about neglecting the children when you let other people help you.
What does it take to mentor a child? Who can do this? If your children have close friends whose parents are supportive of your situation, why not ask if one of your children can spend a little more time there once or twice a week? They may be willing to take your child under their wing. Giving a child a chance to have a more normal life doesn’t take away from your sick loved one. Allowing your children to spend more time with their buddies and their families can be very therapeutic.
What can mentors do:
Invite your children to dinner, so they can remember what normal family life is like.
Have your children sleep over, so they can laugh and play without holding back.
Take your children to ball games, sporting events, the movies, and even to the mall — all the things you don’t have time to do.
If your children are participating in school events or sports, having a mentor can be an enormous comfort. Every child wants someone in the cheering section, and the truth is that when you’re coping with a family member going through cancer treatment or suffering from the side effects, you’re already on overload.
What else can you do? Hook them up with their relatives. Aunts and uncles half a world away? In this day and age of high-speed communications, there’s no excuse for a favorite aunt or uncle not to take on the role of mentor to one of your children. They can call, SKYPE, and email regularly, to get updates of what’s going on in their lives. They can ask the questions you don’t have time or energy to ask. They can shower your children with the affection and attention you can’t give. If they live far away, they can take your children for school vacations or special trips here and there. If they live nearby, they can take your children out on the weekends, or have them to dinner or for sleep-overs. Get the family involved in helping you meet the needs of your children.
Why mentors? They pay attention to each child as an individual. Every child needs someone invested in how his or her life is going. If your time and effort are being funneled into helping your loved one, you just don’t have the extra energy to do this. By pairing each of your children up with a responsible adult, you’re telling them that the family isn’t going it alone. Mentors can lend an ear and a shoulder to cry on.
This is an opportunity to provide good support to your children. Sometimes school work can suffer. The stress of cancer often creates worry, depression, and anxiety for the rest of the family. It’s really hard to concentrate in school when home life is disrupted by the roller-coaster nature of the illness. Mentors can reach out to children when they need help, and once your children know there are other adults available to them, they can share some of the concerns and experiences they are having with someone who is invested in them. Children often feel guilty burdening their parents with what they perceive to be trivial issues. The truth is when cancer strikes a family, most things can pale in comparison. Cancer can force children to become overly responsible or even to act out. Growing, developing children need adults to help shape and guide them, to offer them the opportunity to be children.
Mentors are never a substitute for parents. Your children will always be your children. That bond is forever. But the people you choose to mentor them are there to bridge the gaps that occur when you run short of time, energy, and opportunity, because your focus is on your loved one with cancer.
But how can mentors help you? Wouldn’t it be nice to feel that you’re not holding up the world all by yourself? By reaching out to people to mentor your children, you’re actually building a resource and support network for yourself. Mentors can often be called on in an emergency, to look after their special charges when you need to get to the hospital in a hurry or you need respite time. Caring for anyone with cancer takes a toll on the caregiver, and parents tend to feel guilty if they want and need to take a little time for themselves. Sometimes it’s nice to get away for a few hours without having to worry. Mentors can help the whole family.
If you’re still thinking that you can’t possibly use mentors, because it’s your responsibility to take care of everyone, consider this. Your situation will be ever-changing according to your loved one’s needs. There may be weeks or months when things are very hairy. In the good times, you won’t need them as much. That’s when you can give back. Invite your children’s mentors to join the family. Have pot luck dinners. Have backyard barbecues. Set up a ball game or a fun fair. Take the time, when life is going well, to embrace all of the people who stood by you. If you ever need them again, they will be there. And if you don’t need them, because the cancer was defeated, you’ll still have some really great people in your life.