Sometimes kids whose lives are touched by cancer remind me of deep water on a lake. The surface may be smooth and it all looks calm, but under the water, things are dangerous. You sometimes don’t know what lurks beneath until you explore those depths.
It’s always important for adults to understand the thought processes of children who have a loved one in cancer treatment. If you don’t know what a child is thinking, you can’t understand what a child is fearing. Monsters still have power over children, even teenagers, and if their feelings create their perception of cancer’s power, it can knock them off balance. The greater the empathy of the child for the loved one with cancer, the greater the impact of the fears and worries on the child’s emotional growth.
Sometimes it’s the children who act out that get the best help. They draw attention to their own pain and confusion. But many other children bury their emotions in order to keep the family copacetic during cancer treatment. They sacrifice themselves emotionally for the parent or sibling who is physically suffering. They hide their own pain out of love.
Children who have a family member with cancer need real support to deal with the fears and stress. It’s often difficult for the family to understand that even though there are no signs of any problems, problems can still exist. When a family member has cancer, children want to help. They offer themselves as comforters and carers. They may go to school, get through the day, and come home, prepared to sacrifice their childhoods to make a loved one feel better. This can mask what is really happening inside, and it can change how a child becomes an adult. When fear drives our emotional selves, we tend to get all twisted up in our relationships. This can create psychological triggers that can affect the rest of our lives, unless we learn to process our emotions and understand our experiences, even as they relate to those we love.
Children are never able to completely appreciate adult issues like cancer. Their minds aren’t well-enough formed to be able to cope with the complexities. They try to compensate by acting as little adults, but their hearts still beat as children.
Understanding how children are affected by the cancer of a loved one, and finding them the right support to process their fears is critical. Regardless of the outcome of their loved one’s cancer, the fears need to be understood in context with the reality of the situation, on a level that appreciates the different stages of child development.
There are many wonderful organizations and support groups that offer resources and information on helping children with this issue. Cancer centers and hospitals offer programs that are designed to meet these needs. Cancer camps and retreats also provide programs that address these issues, in addition to offering opportunities for families to bond in fun ways.
Don’t assume, because a child appears cooperative, that everything is fine and there is no reason to worry. Talk to your children about their perceptions of their loved one’s cancer. If you discover that your child is having a problem, get help. Look for ways to help your child cope with the fears and worries that cancer brings to the whole family. You’ll be glad you did.